The day you slipped away

This is one of my favorite songs. Used to listen to it at least two times a day. It means alot to me...

"Jaded (These Years)"
(feat. Benji Madden)

There's a time and place, for everything.
There's a reason why, certain people meet.
There's a destination, for everyone.
What's the explanation, when we're done?

All the summer nights spent wondering;
So many questions asked, but no one's answering.
Would it be okay if I left today?
Took my chances on what you said was wrong?

I'm jaded, stupid, and wreckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret.
These years spent, so faded and wreckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.
I'll never regret these years.

Now here i sit, so far away.
Remembering all our memories.
Its times like these that I miss you most,
Remembering when we were so close.

I'm jaded, stupid, and wreckless.
Not sorry, we'll never regret.
These years spent, so faded and wreckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.

We'll never forget the places we've been, you and i.
Our lives are slipping away.
Don't want to let time pass us by, byyyyyyy...

[Benji]
I'm jaded, stupid, and wreckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret.
These years....
...spent, so faded and wreckless,
Not sorry, and I'll never regret...
I'm jaded, stupid, and wreckless.
Not sorry, and I'll never regret these years.

Mother fucker. I just typed out an essay but the damn IE went bye bye. I could just throw it out the window. Now let me start over then. >=/

Alright, now I didn't know where to start this. I did a pretty good job the first time, it's just not the same. Anyway, Usually I'm in a very good state of mind, almost blissfully happy, or I'm really low, too low.. Just too low, that's all I can say about that. I'm never in an inbetween and that's tiring. Right now, I'm actually neither. First time in a long time. I'm not really inbetween either. I'm just really confused. I wrote my mother a 25 page letter two days ago, telling her everything. I keep a paper journal now, and it's the only place where I spill my guts, holding ntohing back. I write what I feel cause I know no one else is going to read it so I put all of myself into it. People I know, love and care about no matter how much they mean to me never get to know me. Sure my parents raised me, and should know me inside and out, but I'm afraid to say no one does. When I finally found the outline of who I was going to be, I hid that from everyone. Showed everyone else what I wanted them to see. I don't know why, I guess it saves me from having to explain alot of things that even I didn't understand. Anyway, I show all of me when I write, I don't know why, maybe to keep reminding myself that who I show everyone isn't who I really am inside. I keep my identity by keeping that journal. I don't know how that works, but at least I don't get lost and I know who I am. I wouldn't say I'm lying. I'll go with more like pretending. I have major emotional problems right now, I just don't want to put everyone through that, so until I think I've it to the point where I can talk and not be afraid someone will hurt me because of all the faults I have right now, I'll continue to write in my journal.

Anyway, the point about that letter. I've been keeping me to myself for too long. One night I just started thinking, how would it feel to actually share a little portion of what was in my head with someone else. I have a severe case of depression, to the extent that I really don't believe anyone could possibly know how I feel. I know that's stupid, and this is something I can't explain, which is one reason I don't talk to anyone else about it. Do you know how frustrating it is to reach out to someone and ask for help for something you couldn't even begin to explain, but in order for them to really understand how much you're hurting they have to know why, how , who and when whatever hurt you. The thing with my situation is I don't know. I couldn't tell anyone why I hurt so much, all I know is how I feel, and to ask for help without knowing how to ask seems like a bad idea. You're just going to confuse the hell out of them and nothing was gained, just a big headache. Especially trying to tell someone that loves you unconditionally. That's even worse. Depression, I believe is a very hard thing to handle. Alot of people don't understand, and I found out the hard way there's also people that don't believe there is such a thing. Trying to ask for help to one of those people just makes things so much worse, asking for help is supposed to be the first step, but ask the wrong person and you end up falling even more, and add that they're supposed to love and want to help in any situation but then can't accept the fact that even though they can't understand how you feel and start blaming things you do as the cause of the problem. You just keep sinking deeper and deeper, and end up actually starting to hate the person you love. It's just horrible. I've been with Telle six months now. He's an old fashioned kind of guy. Think back to when things were simple. Everything's so complicated now, and he don't want any part of it. So what he doesn't understand he doesn't think about. Which what I just explained, happened to believe me it's hard dealing with. So the only solution I came up with was to just pretend to be happy and deal with these problems alone.

I keep getting off the subject here, my mom was someone who didn't believe depression existed either, but the letter I wrote, like I said I am me and can explain my feelings when I write. So the letter ending up being 25 pages long. I let out everything I had in my head. I had only slept two hours in two days, and going on my third night awake, but in order to have a peaceful sleep I had to finish it. I told her about things I've been dealing with today, and things I've been trying to forget, dealing with past issues. She told me to go back to therapy and take that letter. Now I still can't understand why I'm so depressed. I don't know what caused it. Which is why I'm having a hard time dealing with it all. A doctor told me that 50% of it came from my dad. He was manic depressive. I guess the other 50% is how well I deal with things, which obviously isn't very well at all. Anyway, my mom said that she'd been taking it likely. She didn't believe it was all that bad. Like the saying, one mans garbage is another mans treasure. Well it's the same concept here. What one person can handle, and perceive as easy, may be hell for another person, and exteremly hard. There's no way to understand the way someone else feels if you try and put yourself in that position because you'll have a different outcome. My mom told me that she won't try and understand or try and make me explain the reason for it all. Just the fact that I'm going through something I'm not at all prepared to handle alone. So she said she's going to be there for me when and how I feel she's needed. Which left me confused. I really honestly don't know how to feel about that. I'm not feeling that way at the moment, haven't for about a week now, which helped me write that letter. When I'm in that low state of mind, I look at everything through a cynics eyes. When I'm on a high level I try not to think of it at all. Since I'm confused, or as I say "Just here" I could look at it at all angles, and explain it better too.

That's the problem I'm dealing with now. the only one I should be worried about fixing. Well, that's one of them. The other one is dealing with Telle. Getting one person to understand what I need was great, but it was the wrong person. Who I really needed to tell was him. I try and try but it doesn't work. I've given up countless times, but there are times I get so low that I wish he would just treat me how I need to be treated. It's not that he treats me bad, because he doesn't. He just doesn't fulfill the emotional needs that I kind of need. The insecurities I have, it doesn't take but two seconds to take time out and find that emotional spot you hide from everyone and tell the girl you love that you love her. If we're supposed to be together forever I had to have unlocked that part of him enough to want to marry me right? I told him from the very beginning that I was emotional, affectionate, and a bit clingy. He said he was a little clingy too. I told him that it'd be a good idea not to get into anything with me if you have a problem with me wanting to be around you all the time. He told me he'd rather have it that way. Now when I say I'm affectionate it means, I expect the same affection back, if not first. I told him my faults from the beginning and if it got serious I told him that I have random insecure fits that require lots of reassurance (not all on the first date. When we were trying to figure out where we stood with each other, and what kind of plans we had for this relationship. If we were in the right time for a serious relationship. By serious I mean working at it for life. Marriage.) I also told him that I've been going to therapy, I was on anti-depressant pills, and I had emotional problems. I told him this, gave him a fair warning what he'd be dealing with. I told him the outcome of how I perceive things. I laid it all flat on the line, disregarding my fear of rejection. I at least have enough decency to not wanna drag anyone else through this, unless they were strong enough to hold their composer for me while being strong enough to hold me up at times also. The last thing I wanted to do was bring someone I love or could possibly love down with me.

Anyway, I finally break down and get comfortable enough to ask for his support, and finally use one of my we'll call them life-lines cause things got too hard for me to deal with on my own, and I could use some reassurance from him. I tell him once, and it seemed like it worked, but he quit. So I asked him again, I told him it's not like I'm just doing it to get more of his attention, or for the hell of it. I ask for it because I need it, like really need it to find the courage to handle other things. Like you're tired have no energy to do daily chores, so you drink coffee or energy drink to boost that to get you through the next few hours of working, or what have you. That's the best way I can explain that. He didn't understand that if I didn't have that it could cause alot of damage in how I dealt with things. I slipped a few times and ending up cutting myself. One of which I regret horribly the other I don't even remember doing it. The first one was with an ex, I explained this to him also, and he understood at the time, or so I thought. The second time was while I've been with him and I was outside with a friend of his who was working on my car (which the asshole just messed up even more) and he had some razor blades on the ground cause he was cleaning my head thingy for the car to put in a new one or some shit like that, I don't know anything about cars. Anyway, I picked up one to be doing something with my hands. I was talking to him and I thought something was leaking cause I felt liquid running down my hand. I looked up nothing, wasn't raining I looked down and I had been cutting myself. I didn't understand because I never had the need to. Like I said the first time was a big mistake on my part, I got over it. This time, I wasn't meaning to hurt myself, I wasn't down that day. I made three deep cuts into the back of my hand, which later when the blood was off two of the lines were a T the third was just randomly off to the side. I honestly did not feel the blade going into my skin, it didn't even hurt. Anyway, that's what happened and I found the nerve to tell Telle what I did, and he told me not to show him, and that I was sick. That hurt more than he will ever know. I told him that I never had the urge to cut myself because it felt good. I do not take pleasure in cutting myself. When I get depressed sure hurting myself seems like a great idea, because at least I have something to blame for the hurt, but looking at the first scars I made on my arms aren't pretty. I hate looking at them. I cried. I broke down and cried right in front of him. I yelled and begged him for the 5th time to give me reassurance I asked for so it wouldn't be so hard dealing with things I needed to on a day to day basis. It worked for that night. He treated me like he actually needed me. It's what I needed, but not just for a night! He things were back to normal the next day. See he usually treats me like I'm just a friend. There's no passion in him when it comes to me. I'm alright with that most of the time, but when those insecurities kick in, I get all kinds of ideas that I'm not wanted, he fell out of love, he can't deal with me, so on and so forth. All I ever asked of him was to give those things when I asked for them. I've asked 5 times already and nothing. Maybe for the rest of the day, but it's not just a one day thing. Give them until I feel secure again. Why the hell can't he understand that? I even cried to my mom and hoped she'd talk to him for me. She did, and again it worked for that day. I told him from the beginning how things were with me. He knew. He accepted. All I can say is he knew.

Anyway, he told me he'd never change. He's always going to be the way he was when we first met. Which I'll give him that he hasn't. He stopped being so sweet, but he gave me the reason for that. He stopped being sweet cause he already got me. Heh. You know, as much as I love him. He's straight up asshole. He shows no passion. He tells me he loves me in a toneless robotic voice. He doesn't hold me till we're in bed going to sleep. He never gives opinions on anything. Never compliments me. We're still in the new relationship phase of our relationship and he treats it like we've been married 18 years and the fire has been gone for a loong time. So of course that doesn't help my insecurities at all. If anything it brings them out more often. So anyway, I asked him why he never does anything I ask. He said because I'm the way I am and I'm not changing. I'm not changing for anyone. That left me speechless. I didn't say this, but I wrote it and later read it to him. I told him when you're by yourself, sure stay the same, that's the right thing to do. Don't change for anyone, but when you fall in love and get with someone who you plan to marry, changes have to be made. You change to avoid butting heads. Hm, compromise is the word? You change, well can't say change, we'll go with rearrange. Same difference though. You rearrange your way of thinking, how you react, and what you do so you make things in your relationship go smoothly as possible, and with the effort from both sides makes things better, thats how you know it'll work, when you sacrifice because you love, and know that they're doing just as much to keep things going good, it shows they love you too and are willing to put forth that effort. He doesn't do that. I told him, he said I was right and that was that. I don't know if he did, I don't know if he's going to. I just don't know. I thought I made a very valid point there. Especially on the subject of showing him what I needed and why I felt so insecure, because this is how I viewed things, and by not seeing that from him how I would become so insecure. Does that make sense to you? It sure did to me, and still does.

Anyway, I eventually gave up on trying to get it. It caused to many problems, made me cry one too many times. Also made me start to hate him. I don't want to hate him. I'll never find anyone willing to put up with my shit like he has. Finding someone who you feel totally comfortable with in that short of time don't come along very often. After the first time I screwed it up, told myself I wasn't going to do that again. I know right off when somethings worth holding onto no matter what level of pain they may cause at times. Hang on and pain has to subside at one point or another. Or even take a break. Telle and I have our good days, especially now since I have to hide the fact that I'm so insecure. He won't change, I changed myself. I made myself go without when I get insecure. It was a very hard thing to do, for me, but somehow I did it. I pretend to be happy at first. And because his moods feeds off mine and visa versa, I have to seem happy for me to get a little bit of a boyfriend attitude towards me. I take what I can get and be happy with it damnit no matter how little I get. I do that and I get some pressure taken off, not all but it's enough to take that fake happiness and turn it it into real happiness. And for him, I'm not really lying either. He has his own personal note book that I told him, I'd write in it just for him. So everything I feel it's in there. So if wants to know the real me, and my feelings just read it. Cause I'm never going to him with those problems again. It ended up hurting me more than anything. I have one last thing to say on that subject. Note that I've changed alot in these incidents. I'm no longer showing that somethings wrong with me, so I come off as a normally happy person. I deal with it by writing, and I've got notebooks after notebooks stacked in my closed at home that shows you I'm not really that person. Anyway, but I had been thinking last night.... Telling me he loves me more, or showing some passion or affection for me... isn't changing himself. It's just putting forth a little effort into letting me know he loves me. Shouldn't you wanna do that anyway if you loves someone? I mean when I love someone, I let them know. Random times, actions, even the way I look at someone I love you can see it in my eyes. My ex boyfriends that truly loved me showed me without trying. I could hear it in their voice, I could see it in their actions. It's not something you have to think about doing. If you love someone don't you want them to be happy? That's all I'm going to touch on that subject. This is just something I don't understand. At all.

Those are the two major things I'm dealing with right now. It's all I need right now. I was doing an alright job of dealing with them, trying to figure out a way to fix them, or at least look at it from a point of view where it doesn't seem so bad. Something, but it was going well. Nothing had gotten out of control, I was having happy days. I was able to push it out of my mind long enough for me to have a good time without bringing myself or anyone else down with me. Then all of a sudden just these past two days I've been thinking about the past, alot. Bridges I've already burned, ties I've already broken. This is not something I need right now thank you. But it's being triggered by music. If the advice of "duh just stop listening to it" crossed your mind keep it. I love music way too much to stop. A nice chunk of my world revolves around it. So sorry can't do it. Anyway I'll be listening to the radio and a song that takes me back to a very specific time in my life comes flooding back to me. Makes me think about how good I was then. How happy I was, then how I ruined it. My brother told me any bad choice you made and know and realize that it was a bad choice may make you feel stupid and you know you shouldn't have done it, you shouldnt regret anything you do. If the bad choice you made and you learn something from it, it wasn't a total lost, and it was worth going through. Seems logical right? I believe that too. It's true, I've learned from all that in the past. I know how what you do to someone will come back and bite you in the ass and then to realize you really didn't mean to hurt that person, and you know what to do to avoid doing that to anyone you may love in the future. Believe me I've never intentionally hurt anyone I've loved since. I've been the loving girlfriend I'm supposed to be. I ask very little of my boyfriends, just things I know I'll need in the future, and it's all emotional. Something that takes little effort to do. That's the main thing I still carry with me. A broken heart to me is the worst pain I can go through. Burn me to death and I'd still choose that then going through heart break. My heart is too fragile for that. Anyway to make another long story short. I learned from those. I should've moved on by now, but you know what? For the most part I have, it's just these past three days these songs just keep playing. Songs I haven't heard in forever, and it's been happening a lot lately. It's driving me crazy. The things I was going through before were in the now. There's thing I can do to fix those problems, but past issues I can't touch anymore. There's nothing I can do. It's killing me and my mind won't let me forget. Sure after all things I did on countless occasions to countless people, I probably deserve it, but right now? At least things could give me a fighting chance. I deserve that much. Especially since I've changed. It'd be fine and dandy to throw things at me when I was still that person. I'm not though, I realized what I did was wrong, learned from it and will never do it again.

Yeah, I've gone and typed more than I wanted to, only random people and Mandy are going to read it. It was meant for my eyes to see, but it doesn't hurt to be seen by people I don't know. As for Mandy, it was partly for you too because you give great advice. Good luck with this one. So I think I'm going to take a shower now. Telle should be back anytime. He went to his aunts funeral I believe. Maybe not his aunt, but a relative. I need to get myself under control now anyway. I let it out and I have to be okay by the time he comes home. I'll be back after my shower if he doesn't come home before then.
Kase

I guess I have a lot to update about, although i won't right at this moment, I have passed my 21st birthday, I work at a casino, and to my dismay i am quite drunk at this moment. I have moved forward in myh life, my daughter is now one year old, she turned 1 in july, yes, she's the sweetest thing in the world, if I knew my account name and password, I'd show a picture, but I do not know them right now, I am living in my boyfriends house, in MUSKOGEE, OKLAHOMA, I would still like to get a hold of my friend Mandy, I do not know her aim screen name, nor do I have one, I am on my boyfriend Telle's computer so I do not want to DL AIM, or anything until I get the okay from him. Um lets see, since I last wrote, I know I have a lot of stuff I need to explain, but I will not do it here, I have no idea why I keep coming back to livejournal, maybe it's because of this is where I started out at, or maybe for other reasons, although if Telle was here he'd freak out, or maybe join I don't know yet, I won't tell him yet, I can't see straight, it is six am and I am still drunk, I didn't want him to go to work this morning, but I guess he has to.

I work now, not at pizza hut, I am through with fast food, I didn't like it from the begining, so I changed to be a casino cashier, I like that a whole buch better, I went to a club tonight, and met Telle's friends girlfriend named nicole, and she wants a job at the creek nation casino so I told her to put me down as a reference, which I'm okay with, because my former supervisior told me I'd make a great one, I've already trained five people, even though only four stayed, one of them couldn't handle it. which is fine with me, she kept scanning her tickets under my name and made me short like all week, which we got straintend out, but they wouldn't give me the money back, they just wrote her up, which is not fair, but I deal with it anyway, as long as I don't get wrote up it's all dandy.

Anyway, moving on to what's going on with my life, I've been with Telle, almost four months and he's going to adopts, Hope, my daughter, and we're going to start our own family, finally, you have no idea how long I've been waiting on this. I needed stability in my life. I wasnt stable before but now I am ready for that commitment. I think I've been ready for awhile now. I know i haven't written in awhile, but obviously I've been busy. We both have stable jobs, his parents love me, I love them, they love HOpe, my parents love him. So what could be missing right? Well, I could name a few. I've got into things I shouldn't have, but I remain, sane. Sort of. I like to drink, but I do not go overboard with it, unless it's my day off. I work from 9pm to 5am, I just did a shift change, so hopefully within the next two weeks, I get my 11pm to 7am like I want. That would work perfectly for Telle and I's sleeping schedule, the one thing I hate about this whole thing is that he's tired after work, and I'm not. I wanna do stuff with him. So that's the problem we're currently going through, I'm trying to keep him up, and he wants to go to sleep. I love attention, and he's just not giving it to me. I'm not complaining much, I get wednesdays and thursdays off for right now, so I get to get a little out of control, as long as he pulls me back when I need it. We're really there for each other. I really don't know how that happpened but somehow it worked out for me, I didn't think it would, but to my surprise it did. I don't know what I did to deserve this happiness but I got it.

Anyway, last night we went to this club called peek a boo's, with a couple that we're friends with and we played pool and danced a little, which was fun, even though I do not know how to dance, appearntly when I'm drunk, I think I'm six foot tall and bullet proof, and can dance, we had fun, we didn't sleep at all, he just went to work, and I figured I'd get on his computer, which I haven't done since last year. It feels really weird, necause, I'm still a little drunk and alone, so of course, I'm going to type a little somethin' somethin'. Anyhow, things in my life are going alright, I hope everything in yours is doing fine. And, when I say yours, I mean whoever might be reading this, because I don't know anyone but, mandy on here anymore, so whatever, or whoeever might be reading, I hope your life is falling into place as much as mine did. I was the most unlucky person, that you could ever meet, I mean if it weren't for bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all. But now things seem to be falling into place, now that I finally got over a certain somebody, whome I still haven't forgotten yet, he will always have a place in my heart, I stilll think about him often, just not the way I used to. I do however, wish him all the happiness in the world, I know he deserves it. Even though the last few months of our relationship was horrible, I treated him like crap. he was my first love. but now, I can finally say I let go. So , I guess when I feel the need to write, I'll write again, who knows how long it'll be until then, so gooodnight.


PS
Things might be misspelled, I am still drunk, but I think I did an alright job of typing. Anyway, byeeee!


kase

Here I am again. Mandy I hope you had a good Christmas. Mine wasnt bad but nothing to big happened either.

Just so you know we moved into a new house yet again. I'll give you the address as soon as I am able to find a screen name that hasn't been SUSPENDED.

Yes, that sucks ass. Mackenzie is 10months old this month Hope is 5months old. She is teething, and would like to bite people if she had any teeth to bite with. The house we live in now has a fireplace and wood floors, great for a walker. I took Hope over to my brothers house, she and Mackenzie were fighting over paper. This year has gone by so fast.

Oh, and I ran into TJ on Christmas day. Uh talk about weird, and awkwardness. That was horrible. He had hickeys all over his neck and he told me to send pictures of Hope and to write him. What the hell am I supposed to say to that jackass? Um what girl are you going to get pregnant next year? I just might do that.

I don't know about him, seriously. I also won't get onto that subject right now, I was in a somewhat good mood. Anyway more about Hope. She thinks she can do things she's not ready for. She sits up somewhat but when she leans over she keeps going. She is going to be attending these development classes until she's 10 years old. All this for being six weeks early. Another set of shots coming up too. Oh and Mandy I found a screen name. I shall email you first chance I get but I'm in a rush. The screen name is This is Kiddman some computers won't let me use aim but I'll be on for the next few minutes if you're on.

I have been listening to Weezer and MXPX a whole lot lately. I don't know what it is about their songs that I like so much, I just do. I got some CDs in the mail today, and yeah. I have to pay 16 dollars for six of them, which isn't really all that bad. I didn't think they would actually send them to me, so I just picked CD's at random, I wouldn't actually go out and buy these, but hey whatever right? Sum 41 Does This Look Infected, Sean Paul Dutty Rock (I don't like sean paul, but eh whatever), The Ataris So Long, Astoria(This is something I would have eventually bought), J.Lo J to Tha l-o the remixes(Another one I wouldn't buy), P!nk Can't take me Home(I liked a few songs off this one), Toni Braxton More Than A Woman, I don't like Toni Braxton and I know none of these songs, but Jayne likes music like that so I was thinking about giving that and Sean Paul to her.

Even though she doesn't deserve it. Ahem, moving on. I've been burning CD's like crazy because yeeah I can. I uh haven't talked to TJ in like two weeks, I think I'm avoiding him, but whatever.

oookay so, I have a doctors appointment on the 28th, and then I've got to find a hospital in Muskogee to finish out my care here. I think I get to go eat chinese tomorrow, I'm excited about that, I love chinese food, I really do. Well only the rice and that hot stuff but eee I'm excited. I've been doing more and more with my Christie character. I really like the way I made her, tonight she just got back from talking to the people at the adoption agency and she found out who her real parents are. I think maybe I could act if I wanted to. I love this roleplaying thing, it lets me escape, from what I've got nothing, but life sucks. Anyway, I think I've probably written enough and yeeeahh. Goodbye.

Congrats Mandy on your new computer. I have lost interest on getting on the computer, which would explain my lack of getting online, well at normal hours anyway. I am up for most of the night, but hardly at the computer. I have had the biggest headache in history and I've been laying down every five minutes or so. I don't have a long update planned out tonight or anything, though I'd like to get a few things off my chest, but I don't have the energy to do this. I still have to tell you my good news, but that can wait. Anyway, tis time for me to lay down again. I'll try and get on one of my many screen names soon. Oh by the way my mom finally canceled AOL so I'll be using one of my characters screen names.

Later.

Bleh, I'm done with that whole friends only thing. What do I have to hide anyway? LOOK MANDY I UPDATED AGAIN. I so don't like LJ anymore, I'm rather amused with GJ so many more icons, and I can make my own style, this just sucks, I don't feel like paying for this crap to have a good style. Spits n stuff. My dad just left for work and I've been sleeping on the floor I got up at four this morning to piss and well muahuhaha I've got REALLY freaking good news. I'd get on AIM but I'm kind of hiding from someone.

Yeah I might as well add, since its june that my mom's birthday just passed on the 11th, my brother Tim's birthday is on the 27th. Jayne's birthday was May 24th
Ahem

Holy shit I just realized that I've had this journal for a very long time. December 25th 2002, is when this was created. I never knew I could keep something for so long. I'm sure by now that I would've deleted it, but nope. Here I am, granted I don't write in this thing near as much as I used to, I fill my time with other things, more important things rather than writing about my life. I feel another heart felt long entry coming on but I can't bring myself to write it. Of course its about TJ, and I was reading through old entries, while making them private, and my point of view on him changed majorly. I'm at another crossroads, and don't know what to do, but I'm sure with a little thinking, and more of that 'soul searching' stuff, without the taking off to Arizona part will help a great deal.

I'm almost 20 years old, and damn have I grown, you wouldn't believe the person I am now, from say maybe the year 2000. ;] oh well though, what can ya do? Nada.

I keep editing this stupid entry because I find more things to say, and well since I woke up at four I haven't been able to go back to sleep. Let's talk about role playing, I recently took up the role as a Mandy Moore, which got me thinking about my Joel/Mandy storyline on blurty. My god that was the best storyline I've ever had, and it was my first guy too. I like to think I've gotten better at playing guys if I do say so myself. Anyway I think this will be the last time I update for this morning, until I find something else to write.

Okay I lied, I found something else to write, I changed the colors in my LJ and I made my boxes smaller, I remember when all this was the simple layout I wanted and no one would fucking tell me how to get it, now there's a shitload more I can do with my layout and fuck all those people that wouldn't help. There, I'm done now.


"Tell them lies and they will believe you. When you're honest they will deceive you. If you love them they will just leave you, but if you play them they will be with you."

( McKenzie )
This is my niece McKenzie. She was born in Feb, I think. I can't even remember at this point, I think I woke up too early.

You're hiding something cuz it's burning through your eyes
I try to get it out but all I hear from you are lies
And I can tell you're going through the motions
I figured you were acting out your part
Once again we're playin off emotion
Which one of us will burn until the end?

Catalyst, you insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it's all downhill from here
And it's all downhill from here

Your good intentions slowly turned to bitterness
Reoccurring episodes with each and every kiss
And I can tell you're going through the motions
I figured you were acting out your part
Once again we're playin off emotion
Which one of us will burn until the end?

Catalyst, you insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it's all downhill from here
And it's all downhill from here

And I cant believe you pulled it off again
Im running, still it all sets in
You'll deny it till you're at your bitter end
And I can tell you're going through the motions
I figured you were acting out your part
Once again we're playing off emotion
Which one of us will burn until the end?

Catalyst, you insist to pull me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it's all downhill from here
And it's all downhill from here

And you keep pulling me..
Down, pulling me down, pulling me down
You contradict the fact that you still want me around
And it's all downhill from here
And it's all downhill from here

NO.

Friends Only. Goodbye.